I’m kind of feeling better now but im still exhausted like always and every little thing is so stressful. My mind still darts everywhere and my attention span lasts for about 30 seconds…but all that stuff is normal, well at least normal for me.
My anger toward myself has become worse over the last couple of weeks…Every single thing i do is so stupid, everything is all my fault. My friend (actually a girl im friends with who i have a bit of a crush on) and I went exploring back in mid october to central Washington and we had tons of fun. We were planning on going to the coast tomorrow to see some large waves from a big storm moving in tomorrow but today she canceled saying she had a ton of homework. It easily could have been that she actually does have a ton of homework to do but in my mind i see it as she is avoiding me, i have been texting and talking to her to much, she knows i like her and she doesn’t like me back, she hates me, shes trying to avoid me, stupid stupid stupid Matthew its all your fault you idiot!
Everything I do is stupid, its all my fault.
So after she canceled I decided i would try to head up the forest roads tomorrow in the mountains to go enjoy a fresh dumping of snow in the mountains but because it will be so snowy i had to find someone else to come with me. I asked the only 3 people who could come with me and they all said no with excuses varying from homework, appointments, to being tired and busy. While they all could have been completely legitimate excuses i keep viewing is as they are avoid me, they hate me, i am so stupid, its all my fault.
So right now i am feeling like complete sh*t…stupid stupid stupid.
I’ve been itching to go somewhere for weeks now…i’m so sick of being in one place right now, i feel so claustrophobic, like everything is closing in around me and its getting so hard to breath. I need to run, get out of here for at least a little while. My chance to get out for a little while is no more so now im stuck which is quite the let down, the thing i had been looking forward to for weeks, gone.
Stupid Stupid Stupid, i screw everything up. ugh I hate myself.