Gray… both emotionally and physically.
Living outside Seattle WA we average 180 days of rain and many more just overcast or foggy days. Gray is much more than a common sight, it’s the norm.
Being from New England I’m not used to the constant gray and rain. All of the people around me barely notice it and love it when its gray and rain. Don’t get me wrong I like a good rainy day but the weeks on end of rain and gloom get to me immensely.
Not only physically looking around me is it gray but also mentally. In my mind, everything is gray, bland, and sad. Everything is gray, everywhere I go, there is no escape.
This week is going to be a very long week, lots of things due, not enough time… the stress makes the anxiety worse than usual which makes the depression worse than usual. The temptation to cut is growing as people and things beat me up and make me feel worse and worse every minute. I just want to run and hide.
…some other incredibly jumbled thoughts..
I feel like I don’t have a reason to be depressed, that I shouldn’t be… that I should just suck it up and be happy, and that it should be as simple as turning a light switch on and off. I hate myself, I think its pathetic that I’m so depressed and angry, its a vicious cycle of self hate, anger, and depression.
Yesterday answering the questions for the award had me thinking about my parents. My mom has been through so much… been to the moon and back for me and my family… for everyone, she is such an amazing person and ya she has her bad days sometimes but she isn’t depressed despite all that she has been through. I worry that I will let her down if she finds out and she will be disappointed. She has been through so much and she isn’t depressed… so why the fuck am I? I shouldn’t be. She is so strong and so amazing the last thing I want to do is to let her down and make her worry.
Sorry my thoughts are very jumbled today… I may continue this tonight or tomorrow if I think of more to say or how to say it better.