One Moment, Then The Next

One moment yes, then the next no. I’m still throwing the idea of going to a psychiatrist around in my mind. One day I think that i should go and that it would be good for me. Even though it may be difficult it will help and i’ll get better or something. Then the next day I think that i shouldn’t go, that it’s not that bad and i should just suck it up. I think that its my fault that i’m screwed up and that i need to figure it out on my own, that it isn’t worth anyone’s trouble.

What will likely end up happening is that i’ll keep throwing it back and forward in my mind, one day yes, the next day no. Until it slowly fades from my mind…unless it is brought up again.

Last night i was thinking about going, i had thought of exactly what i was going to say to my mom asking if i could go see a psychiatrist. I was pretty much dead set on it. I switched again today…to “Its my fault i should just suck it up” and “its not that bad” . On and on it will go, round and round.

In other news i stumbled across this song this week called Open Up Slowly by Hudson. Its a nice and slow melody…Some of the lyrics i can REALLY relate too.

Especially these two lines:
“Been lying low, making mountains out of mole hills in your mind
Bad feelings grow, so they’re manifesting all the time ”

Also some other ones i can relate to.
“Don’t you worry that you’re in this game all on your own
I’m right beside you, I’ll catch you if you slip or trip or fall
So take my hand and we’ll walk from this darkened room for good ”

Sometimes I just want someone catch me and take my hand…

Link to the song: http://hudsonmusic.com.au/track/open-up-slowly

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4 thoughts on “One Moment, Then The Next

  1. It is NEVER your fault! I totally get where you are coming from too, I’ve been there and sometimes still struggle with going back and forth between making decisions like this. For me, therapy is what I go back and forth on. I have seen therapist off and on since I was 17 and I turn 33 next Wednesday! I still get nervous about going and hate it up to when leaving. Upon leaving, I always feel a sense of relief and better that I went. But then the same cycle repeats itself. Maybe it will improve and I won’t always feel this way. I don’t or won’t know until I try, that much is apparent. I understand asking for help is hard too! If it’s difficult for you, what I ended up doing was writing a letter to my parents explaining things. It made it much easier for me because trying to talk about something like seeing a doctor got me all flustered and made me so on edge! And that is exactly what I told them in said letter, it was the best option too because I felt like I could say everything needed and convey my feelings better. This might be a good way for you too! You might start by writing the letter to your mom but not give it to her right away. Write it and look at it the next day and revise if needed. Then leave it for her to find and read when you won’t be around. Tell her all the things you want to say and tell her how you would like to approach things too. I remember literally telling my parents that I would feel best if they didn’t get “weird” with me when they saw me after reading, that I was nervous to be talking about it at all but that I felt like I needed help that was bigger than me. I told them how long I had felt the way I did, why I thought it was good to see someone, etc. I wrote everything down, looked it over to revise, and left it on the kitchen counter for my mom to see when I left for school. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I hope sharing my experience helps! You are stronger than you realize and I know you can do this, it’s going to be scary and it may even suck at first but it will make you feel more in control too because you will be taking the action needed to improve and find the answers/treatment needed! Most times when it comes to mental illness, you need some sort of medication to balance you out. Without it, it’s extremely hard to cope and fix things. Remember, it is NEVER something you did or your fault! If you need to talk ever, don’t hesitate! I’m here! My email is jen

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