Stupid Feelings

And again i return, to procrastinate some more and rant and ramble….

Stupid Stupid STUPID feelings!

Girls are a pain in the butt…The girl I like and I have been hanging out a lot and stuff and my feelings for her have grown but i still dont know if she likes me or not. She is kind of oblivious of guys as a whole according to my friend. Every time I think i get a signal that she likes me there is another signal, or what if, she doesnt like me, Its so complicated and im unsure.

I haven’t had the best luck with relationships…my first girlfriend and I started going out at the end of the school year. After ignoring me most of the summer she broke up with me over text the night before the new school year started which devestated me. To top it all off she started saying it was my fault we broke up and that i didnt talk to her (i texted her all the time and she didnt respond…i know sounds desperate) and she even told people that I broke up with her!…Finally after 2 years im somewhat friends with this person which is nice so at least there is somewhat of a good ending but still was pretty crushing.

A year and a half after that breakup I started liking a girl who I met volunteering who shared simillar interest to me. She also shared some same issues I did…she also cut. I tried to help her with her issues and stuff and she tried to help me with mine, we just ended up destroying each other. One day we had both reached our limits and started fighting…these fights when off and on for about 2 1/2 months and they were ferocious…constant yelling and spewing insults…They caused both of us lots of pain, caused us to hate each other and ourselves (or at least me) P.S I hate fighting i hate when people are mad at me…yay social anxiety and my screwed up brain. I took the blame for all of it which made me hate myself more than i already did…it was destroying me more than the fighting and life in general was already doing. There wasn’t even rubble by the time it was all set and done…there was just nothing…the rubble was destroyed to the point where it just evaporated in the air and disinegrated. Months after the fighting she all of a sudden texts me saying she needed a big favor which was to photograph her dad and stepmoms wedding as a present…of course being a people pleaser i said yes and we were texting and said how bad we felt and stuff about all that had happened…we dont really talk anymore though.

As you can see i havent had the best of luck…

Randomish thing i wasnt sure where to put:
I dont know i just kind of  want someone I can love who loves me back besides my family, as much as I love and care about my family I want someone else too I guess and I feel bad for wanting someone else besides my family because i feel like thats all i should need… (Wow love…strong word…like, love, like like, whatever you guys know what i mean…maybe?) 

Part of me wants to just ask this girl out and be with her and hope that she loves me back…but part of me is worried about what if she doesnt like me, if it will ruin our friendship, if it will kill me inside again. Another part of me worries about what if she does like me and we do go out and something happens and we break up or she hates me or I do something and i screw it up and i am destroyed again. I dont want to screw everything up again. Do I open myself up to those risks? Of being humillated, of screwing things up, of being destroyed again? Do I risk going out into the open and trying to reach something I long for? Or do i curl back up in my protective shell? Safe and warm, but a bit empty?

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One thought on “Stupid Feelings

  1. Love, such a complex word and subject. There are many shades/colours of love, it’s worth reading up on them as Attraction and erotic love are only aspects of a much bigger set of emotions. Relationships sure can be tough, you’ve experienced many aspects of that, but I’ve learnt that you won’t get anywhere wondering what-if. Take the chance – if it’s going to work out it will. If it’s not going to work out, you at least have a new experience to gain from. We all want to be loved, that is part of our humanity. The trick is sometimes it can be so hard to get that love from others, that we need to learn to love ourselves first. Be loving to yourself, leave behind all criticism. Visualize the best friend that you could have and be that to yourself.

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