Been A While, Nightmares

It’s been a while…a long time since you’ve done this. Sure you’ve given me run of the mill frights but, like i said, its been a while. 

Last night i didnt get to sleep until about an hour and a half later than usual and as soon as i got in bed i could tell that it was going to be one of those tossing and turning nights…after spending about an hour maybe hour and a half tossing and turning i was finally able to fall asleep, but I would have rather stayed awake tossing and turning.

I dont remember a ton of it anymore but there are a couple parts I remember distinctily. The dream was about my dad…I dont remember anything up until the got shot.

He was in a room that seemed somewhat rundown with white walls and some chipping paint…I think there was a window. He was sitting in a chair tied up with his back against a wall. There were two women sitting in chairs facing him off to the sides a tiny bit. Both had medium length brown hair I think. I couldn’t hear anything, there was no noise until the gunshot rang out. One of the women had gotten up, pulled out a pistol (I think it was silver colored) and shot him.

After that it was all a blur, consoling my family, hoping it was just a bad dream, crying…lots of crying. After it all happened and I think a few weeks had passed I started going back to school and doing daily things and just randomly for no reason at all I would just break down crying, this happened over and over and over again in classes in the car at home at the store, everywhere and anywhere. I would just break down bawling my eyes out. I dont know if it was due to regret or guilt because I didn’t know whether he knew that i loved him and that he was the best father i could have ever asked for. Or if i felt guilty that I wasn’t a good enough son to him, a constant worry of mine. 

I finally woke up and the nightmare felt so real I was horrified. It was all I could think about and I sat up in bed, the gunshots, the crying, the though of losing him racing through my head…faster and faster practically going at the speed of light, in took over my entire brain and I begged for it to stop. I wanted to slam my head against a wall and knock myself out, to do anything to make it stop, the thoughts branched out to thoughts about losing my entire family and i couldn’t take it anymore…

I jumped out of bed to my computer and put my headphones on and immediately started blaring music to the point where it hurt my ears, but this pain was ok, this pain was trying to get rid of the other pain, the worse one. 

About 30 minutes later I was finally able to calm down and yelling at myself in my head whenever the thoughts surfaced was enough to push them back down, enough to go to sleep.

The dream no doubt is my punishment for even suggesting that I should hate my father. I can’t hate him, he is family, I love him, and he is the best father in the world. Why? because i wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. (I’ll talk about Why i am ok with the person i am today in another blog post later cause its complicated.)

This may sound crazy but you guys should be used to that now if you guys are regular readers here. Nightmares and dreams are a bit…different for me sometimes. I have had a dream come true before. About a year before it happened I dreamed that I was speeding down a ski slope racing someone speeding through the slaloms. I vividly remember the course. I decided it would be a smart idea to point my ski’s downward and not turn so i could beat the person. Nearing the bottom of a steep downhill section I was neck and neck when I hit a chunk of ice that sent me flying. I lost both of my poles and one of my skies, the other one didnt eject. When i first started flipping was when my dream ended. In real life i was racing a friend who was a ski racer, I flipped and slid about 100ft or more according to friends watching. Somehow i was incredibly lucky and came out of the crash with just a sprained wrist and ankle and after a 45 minute rest went back to skiing. 

Now the whole story isn’t all that important but as i started skiing down i had the biggest sense of de javu and I couldnt put my finger on it but then after the crash I realized it. Since then I have had more de javu moments like that but havent been able to exactly pin it to a dream. I’m not really sure how it works or how it happens but ya. So anyways whenever I have a dream i always wonder if it will come true. And if i have a nightmare, I am always horrified about what will happen. 

So in this situation I am absolutely horrified about whether or not this nightmare comes true….i am certainly praying it doesnt but i am horrified.

Sorry if i sound absolutely crazy…I should probably be locked up in the loony bin. I’m not really sure why im writing all this stuff that freaks me out right before i go to sleep….bad idea on my part.

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