Every month or so I get big breakdowns…sometimes there more frequent, sometimes less…I got one on wednesday and it really really sucked.
Last week was a long week, it was the end of the semester and teachers were piling homework, projects, and tests on it was absolutely rediculous…i wanted to…slap them…which is a massive understatement. Anyways I was taking my brother to the bus stop which is like 3 maybe 4 miles away…There are only two lights on the way there…the first one always takes forevery (3-4) minutes to change but today the idiot in front of me wasn’t on the sensor so it took a wonderful 7 minutes.
Ok fast forward we pull into the parking lot right as the bus starts to leave…i start honking and flashing my lights trying to get him to stop but unfortunately he didn’t stop despite me being right behind him…I followed him down the road a bit but realized he wasn’t going to stop and turned around to go home. By this time i am freaking out that i missed the bus because I had to go to school early and do homework. So im sitting here driving back visibly shaking like crazy, crying, and screaming over this (i was doing it while i was chasing the bus too btw). I really couldn’t take him to school so when i got back home I dashed up stairs to my moms room where she was sleeping, knocked and opening the door and started screaming and crying and freaking out and everything. My mom, quite pissed that I had woke her up and made her take my brother to school, yelled at me and told me to “calm the fuck down”. I was originally supposed to go to school right after I got home and stuff but after they left I was still crying and shaking.
20 minutes later I finally began to calm down but I felt like absolute shit, the meltdown made me feel even more exhausted than I was before and I felt incredibly guilty for making my mom take my brother to school. I went upstairs to the bathroom, found the razor blade i had found a week before and sliced half of my arm up. I needed to be punished for missing the bus, for waking my mom up, for making her take my brother, for being a wreck in front of other people, and for being the fucked up person I am, with so many problems and issues, for being a burden on everyone i’m around, for screwing things up and pushing people out of my lives, for my pathetic existence, for everything. I bandaged my arm up as it was all still bleeding and as I was about to leave the house decided to write an apology letter to my mom.
—TRIGGER WARNING OVER—
I pretty much said sorry and stuff and that i felt guilty and that i loved her very much and i owed her and stuff. When I got home in the afternoon I said sorry to her again and she said it was ok but said something along the lines of we just really need to get you to therapy (I forget how she actually said it). So i guess she didnt forget and I’m stuck again…she hasn’t brought it up yet so i’m hoping she may have forgotten but idk…heres to hoping.