Beginning To Realize

I’m beginning to realize that this year wont be like last year. I’m beginning to realize that these scars wont fade like the ones before. A few months ago I was hoping that I could get them to go away before it started becoming weird to wear a sweatshirt. I was quick to push the thoughts that the scars wouldn’t go away out of my mind.

 
Now that were beginning to get to that point where the sweaters get packed away, I’m not sure what to do. 
 
Some people are very comfortable with their scars, but i’m not…not one bit. I’m also not very comfortable with seeing other peoples scars. There are people at my school who cut and they don’t hide their scars and it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I am fairly certain that it makes other people uncomfortable too. I mean they are not normal and it’s hard not to stare at them…I dont know, maybe that means I am a terrible person but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Therefore I dont want to put other people into that situation and make them feel uncomfortable. I mean sure if I am with close friends who know and its really hot in a room or something and I really need to roll up my sleeves I will. When I do I always feel terrible doing it so I only do it when I really cant stand it. 
 
Scars are awkward, unless they are from ‘cool things’…self harm due to depression and anxiety are NOT ‘cool things’. Also guy’s don’t typically cut from my experiences so it makes it even more awkward for me when people find out, it makes me feel even more ashamed. 
 
Adding onto the pile of reasons I also just dont want people to know in general and if these scars dont fade some people who I really dont want to find out are going to do exactly that. 
 
The list of reasons I cant have these scars go on and on. In the end these scars need to go away but even my arm has gotten tired of hiding. 

 
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6 thoughts on “Beginning To Realize

  1. I can relate to hating the scars and wanting to hide them. The ones on my arm are more faded because it had been give-or-take 15 years since I last cut there. The ones on my legs are more pronounced so I make sure never to wear anything short enough to show them… I plan to get tattoos to cover most of them (assuming I’m ok with the artist seeing them while they are getting drawn on). It’s tough. I hope you can find a way to either make peace with them, or to hide them appropriately. I’ve found the button-down over a t-shirt works well even in Florida. I try to avoid situations where my arms are seen too closely when I don’t want them to be. Good luck.

    • I dont think I will come to peace with them sadly, im ashamed of them. I have tried to wear just a button up shirt with a t-shirt or just wearing a long sleeve shirt but sadly my anxiety issues causes me to sweat a lot so It’s hard to wear just long sleeve shirts and stuff without a sweatshirt because when I sweat you can see it. Thanks for the advice…sorry to kind of shoot down the ideas and stuff. I hope you find a way to hide your scars/ find out how to cover them, it’s difficult dealing with the remnants of our past and present problems.

  2. I don’t cut, so may not have a good understanding of your situation, but I have wanted to burn myself and I think the mental drive is similar. There are many people around here (wordpress) who are open about their coping mechanisms and I believe a number of them to be male, so don’t isolate yourself when I’m fairly sure you aren’t. Have you checked out Pooky’s poems? She has a great insight from her own life experiences and working with adolescent health. The first one in particular sprung to mind when I read your post.
    http://pookypoetry.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/conversation-with-a-self-harmer/
    http://pookypoetry.wordpress.com/2013/12/02/scars/
    http://pookypoetry.wordpress.com/2014/02/11/hidden-scars/

    You’d be surprised what and why other people do and think. I would suggest you give yourself a little more space and don’t worry about what other people think. I’m still learning, but I always remember being told by a friend “What other people think is none of your business” and the more I live the more I see that’s true.

    Thanks for dropping by my blog and following. I’ve been unwell the last week and haven’t pressed many words, but there is a lot in my head that I need to get out now…

    • Thank you for the wise words wbdeejay. Honestly, I cut and I dont even have a very good understanding of it. I read through some of her poems and they are great. I’m glad I joined wordpress because in the beginning I felt incredibly alone…It’s nice to know there are other people out there. Sadly not thinking about what other people think is easier said than done.

      • Sprouting words is easy. Whether that helps you along your current journey or not I won’t know. I try hard not to spout platitudes or cliches to anyone, what I share is the truth I have found. If nothing else, just remember that you are never alone, that there are always people who care about you (sometimes you haven’t met them yet), and that you are the only person who can sort out your own life. Also, the difficult times will pass, you will feel better.

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