Birthday…meh

Happy birthday to me…wohooo…not. Yesterday was a shitty day. Today started off very shitty. I was tired, and woke up angry from the previous day. I tried to be mad at my friends yesterday and I was cold to them in the morning but I couldn’t do it in the afternoon. They’re the ones who have to deal with my fucked up self. They should be allowed to make jokes and make fun of me on occasion and I should be ok with that, They are the ones who have to put up with me and deal with me being a burden. 

Truth is, I didn’t want it to be my birthday. It was just another milestone that I didn’t enjoy. Another point in time that had already raced by, reminding me of how much a blur the last couple of years have been. I got mad when people said happy birthday today, I wanted to pretend it wasn’t, because it didn’t mean anything to me, and i hate myself for it.

I had an eye doctor appointment in the afternoon so I got to miss my last class but then decided to give myself a birthday present and skip my second to last class too. While i knew that I wasn’t going to need glasses I kind of hoped I would which sounds odd. I wanted to get them because it meant change…I crave change, and i wanted change. No glasses although I do have slight astigmatism which causes some of my frequent headaches but they cant do anything about it.

After that I got my free starbucks coffee and went home, and nothing else happened, nothing at all. I decided I didn’t want to do homework. Why? because i didn’t feel like it, i didn’t care. So instead I sat on my computer doing nothing of value all day. This has probably been the most lackluster birthday ever. It’s like it didnt even happen. 

I feel so empty right now, there is nothing inside me. I need something, but there’s nothing, and I can’t take it.

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