It’s been a week…

Welp…its been a week…a long pain the ass rollercoaster week.

Monday wasn’t to bad, the weather was nice and I wasn’t in a bad mood or anything…just tired.

Tuesday things began to get a bit worse throughout the day. I got more and more tired and kind of cranky.

*Trigger Warning*
Then wednesday hit…oh wednesday. By wednesday I was absolutely exhausted and cranky and really depressed…I went home and I cut up my arm. ugh I wanted to scream for so many reasons. Wednesday was the first day since this winter since I had any suicidal thoughts and stuff which sucked…

I woke up sick on thursday and although I probably could have muddled through school I decided I just wanted to stay home after the previous day so I did and relaxed…by the end of the day I felt terribly sick.

I was sick again on friday and slept in then went to school, got coffee with some friends then had a relaxing night at home. 

I kept trying to find people and things to do today but everyone was busy and I was going a little stir crazy…I eventually decided to head down to the river and relax a bit so I sat in the sun on the waters edge for about 45 minutes, it was really nice.

My sister comes home from college tomorrow which is always bitterwsweet. My sister and I had a great relationship growing up and were really good friends but she went away to boarding school to escape our family. She ended up changing a lot at boarding school and now believes that she is better than us. Now it seems every time she comes home its just because she needs something or wants to feel better about herself. The rest of my family lets her walk over them but i dont. I used to put up with it but then she told me that i would “never become anything”, and thats when I decided that was it. So now she is coming home and taking everything she wants. She has a job in the city this summer and is taking my car when she gets home and leaving me with my dads old car. My car is a 2012 Subaru Outback and my dads old car is a 2000 Volvo S80. I’m sure I sound like a spoiled brat for being pissed off because my sister is taking my car, even though I will still have a car this summer, theres a bit of a catch.

My escape is the mountains…Whenever I need to get out of this place I drive up the forest roads into the middle of nowhere, relishing in the fact that there is no one for miles. I absolutely love being up there, it’s my happy place. So i’m a little upset by the fact that during the summer, when I can spend the most time up in the mountains exploring new places, I will be stuck at home because I wont have a vehicle that can go up on the forest roads. Meanwhile my sister will be taking the vehicle that can go up into the mountains, into the city. It seems stupid to me why my sister is taking the vehicle that can go up into the mountains into the city while I am unable to go up into the mountains because I am taking the vehicle that should stay in the city. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic but it honestly ruins my summer a bit not being able to go up to the mountains.

My parents reasoning behind it is that my dads car is falling apart and wont be able to survive the 20 mile drive into and out of the city every day which makes sense but I will still be driving 10 miles into work and back, then I will be running errands for my family because god knows she wont because she is to busy with her life. On top of that I will also hopefully be hanging out with friends. Because of all of that I am fairly certain that I will be driving more miles than she will be each day. 

Then there is the older sibling argument but honestly, she wanted to leave this family, she only comes home/ talks to us when she needs stuff. My family lets her walk all over them and then they give her everything she wants its rediculous. 

I apologize if I sound like a spoiled brat. I am thankful that I will still have a car I just think the situation is absolutely rediculous and upsetting. 

I haven’t really been in the mood to write…I practically had to push this post out of me…sorry for the quality of this post, I didnt really phrase everything very well..

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3 thoughts on “It’s been a week…

  1. No: don’t worry you don’t sound spoilt AT ALL. I do wish that you could have your car! Going up to the mountains; if that’s your way of feeling peaceful/happy/insert adjective of your choice here, then as a reader, I respect that. Plus, it sounds pretty awesome. So..picturesque.
    I’m sorry that you’ve been cutting and the suicidal thoughts have been cropping up. This past week I’ve felt the same way, and it was..just please don’t let them consume you. A method of coping besides something physically painful, is to scribble all my thoughts and tuck them away. I’m not saying that would always work, but oh God, is it strange. I feel like a monster, you know? But anyway. I’m moving forward. I’m still here.
    And best of all; you’re still here too!
    Best wishes, Z

    • Thanks Z, Ya its a little devestating to be unable to go to my happy place. It truly is picturesque, Maybe i’ll post some pictures i’ve taken. Thanks for the advice! I usually try to distract myself from it and do other things. Ya, it really does make you feel like a monster…a screwed up monster. 😦

      • Aww. 😦
        If only a compromise could be settled. And pictures! Please do!
        Alas..distractions can only last as long, but nonetheless it keeps people going, so I guess there’s some good in them

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