Contemplating

Over the last few days I have been contemplating telling my mom about my issues and just telling her that I need help…I’ve usually been thinking about this at night as im going to bed. I am always so close to doing it, but then when I wake up in the morning I change my mind.

There has been a lot of stuff in the news about the death of Robin Williams and about depression and suicide, and there are lots of stories about depression being shared and stuff and some of the stories I could relate to a lot.

On top of that my mom shared a post on facebook with a suicide hotline number and said “Depression hurts let us help all who suffer”…idk how to react to that but agh it just kind of hit me.

I’ve just been contemplating telling her and actually getting help but I can’t do it. We have been fighting a good amount the last few months and stuff and we fought again tonight actually and we used to be such good friends…im not sure what happened I guess. agh. What happened?

And on top of that i’m pretty sure my mom thinks I do drugs now. She has asked before and a couple days ago she grabbed my winter coat and asked if I wanted to get it drycleaned and I said yes and she said “let me check the pockets, what am I going to find, drugs” and I said “god no” and looked up from my computer thinking she was joking but she was dead serious…IDK how to react. That plus she keeps said “I’m worried about you” AGH.

She leaves for a week and a half long trip tomorrow so it wont be able to tell her then so I guess that’s good.

but what if it’s all in my head…UGH. Why can’t this all just be over! I’m so sick of this. I want to have energy again, I want to feel good again, I dont want to be so fucking depressed and angry all the time. I’m just so fucking tired.

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