The last week has been really rough…and I’m not entirely sure why. I dont know, I barely remember I’m so exhausted.
The first couple of days I was so exhausted and lethargic, I felt completely worthless. I couldn’t get anything done and the few things I did try to do were terrible. Then it went downhill from there. I kind of had a bit of suicidal thoughts and in a bath one night i kind of tried stay under the water for as long as I could. I wasn’t trying to commit suicide or anything and I dont want to…I dont know, I was barely in control. The kind of suicidal thoughts continued through the next day and I just kind of felt worthless and felt like there was no point in anything.
The next two days of school were just terrible. They were long, exhausting and I felt like everyone was mad at me, both friends and teachers. I didn’t want to be around anyone so I spent my lunches and free blocks sitting in the back of my car reading. I used to each lunch every day with some friends who graduated and went to college last year and I just haven’t really wanted to sit with my friends in my own grade. I don’t know why but I have kind of been mad at some of my friends this past week and a half or so…I dont know why, it’s not there fault, its completely my fault, but I don’t know why, I love them to pieces but I dont know. It’s all my fault…
Then on Saturday I was scrolling through my instagram feed and I saw that a person who I had a very complicated and honestly destructive friendship with had gone a year with out cutting and got a tattoo for it and was saying like “oh if I can do it you can do it” blah blah blah. It made me so mad. She and I used to be very good friends and I had a crush on her. She was going through a very rough time and was doing lots of cutting. At the same time I was beginning to self harm and become very depressed. I tried to make her feel better all the time and I kind of tried to save her. I don’t know, anyway she ended up getting mad at me and we started fighting for about 3 to 4 months straight, she didn’t want saving and at the same time she didn’t care about me and my problems at all. The fighting made for a lot of rough months. We made up after those months of fighting but it wasnt the same, all she did was use me and was never grateful. Anyway now she is all better and has a boyfriend and stuff and hasn’t cut for a year and agh I don’t know. Ugh I hate her.
I’m was feeling a bit better today but I’m feeling like shit again tonight. 😦
I hope you all had a better week than I did!