Nothing to write, nothing to say, and a whole lot of meh.

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of posting with the exception of occasional shity poems and depressing song. I haven’t had much to write about and haven’t really been in the mood to write. Anyway last week I was super down in the dumps and depressed. I cut a couple more times quite a bit. Thought about suicide a bit but its ok. I started feeling better this week and this whole week I have just felt very meh-y and stagnant and am honestly not really feeling anything…

A few friends and I were hanging out during free block at the end of last week and we were talking about college applications and one of my friends, the only one out of the ones in the room who knows about my issues, was talking about how in every application there is a spot for extenuating circumstances that the college should consider in your application. We were talking about what we would put in there. Earlier I had been talking about how clumsy I was as a kid and was talking about how I cracked my head open multiple times within a year. So I said “Guess what I would put in mine?” My friend who knows about my issues said “What, severe depression and insomnia?” I quickly tried to shrug it off and said “god no, I would put chronic clumsiness in.” The two other people were people that I didn’t really want to know, one of them was my friends girlfriend and the other was a pretty good friend of mine.

I talked to my friend later and said that it wasn’t very cool to say that. He said that he understood but also said that his girlfriend probably already knew and I asked how and he said that she can probably just tell. No, she probably didnt know and she certainly couldn’t tell because I do a good job of hiding it! Grrr, I’m still kind of mad at him.

The other thing that happened this week was that I found out another guy in my grade has depression. He is actually one of my really good friends’ boyfriend. My friend confided in me about it because he was apparently in a bad place and wasn’t responding to her texts and wasn’t at school either and she was really scared and wanted to confide in someone. Apparently he has been clinically diagnosed but refused to take medication and scared off all of his physchiatrists. He turned out to be ok and started to respond to her texts but he did miss 3 days of school. He is a talented person and someone who you wouldn’t expect to be depressed…it just goes to show you that you truly never know. Now that I know that he has depression I can kind of see it. The fact that he has depression kind of makes me feel a bit better because it made me realize a little bit that im not the only one, and that also I’m not the only guy who is depressed. While it’s kind of comforting it doesn’t really matter because he hates me. He has never really liked me since middle school but ever since he has been dating my good friend he hates me and thinks I am in love with her or something and am trying to take her away from him. He does this power play things and tries to prevent me from hanging out with her and stuff and likes to assert his dominance. He makes my friend really happy and I’m happy for that so I let him be a jerk to me sometimes. So yeah that happened…

I drove 300 miles today too…I have gotten into the happen of going on day trips ever weekend or at least every other weekend and today I just drove and did a big 300 mile loop through the mountains, up the other side, then back over to this side. It was nice.

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