I have

I’ve been trying to write this for weeks now but all I have been able to do is look at this blank screen, unable to put anything into words. A lot of stuff has happened.

After two years of struggling I’ve have finally gotten help for all of the shit that I have been dealing with.

After beginning to see both a therapist and a nurse practitioner, who was recommended to me by my therapist, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with obsessive traits.

I was hoping that finally having a diagnosis in itself would make me feel better because I would finally have a reason, a diagnosis, and validation for feeling the way I do. Sadly that didn’t happen and I still feel just as guilty as I did before. I honestly don’t think the actual diagnosis has affected me at all, even after all the self-diagnosing and analyzing I did in order to try to give myself a reason for being so depressed. I don’t even feel like I have a mental illness, saying it in my head sounds weird, maybe I just feel impartial to it I guess.

Anyway since the diagnosis I have been put on 20mg of a medication called Lexapro and have been on it for about 3 weeks now. So far I have been calmer and less angry and I haven’t had been super depressed…but I haven’t really been super depressed, to the point of suicidal thoughts, for a few months now with the exception of the odd day here and there.

I’m still have no energy but R, the nurse practitioner who is handling my medication, says that I would only be seeing a partial reaction to the medication by now. I hope that in a few weeks all the exhaustion and all of this fog will lift and I will be shocked and unable to comprehend how I was able to live the way I did before.

Someday, when I’m all alone with no one around, maybe I’ll say it out loud…or maybe I’ll scream it to the heavens. Maybe someday I will hear myself say that I have depression, I have anxiety, I am not ok, and that is ok.

Well I was hoping this post would be a well written long winded post but I guess this will do. I’m hoping to get back into writing again but I don’t know if I have anything to write about.


4 thoughts on “I have

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