Oh my god it has been a really long few days. I can’t really put much into words so this will likely be a really crappy post but I just need to say something.
One of my best friends is suicidal right now and I am so fucking scared and I have no idea what to do. She has crippling anxiety. General anxiety, social anxiety, frequent panic attacks, OCD. She also has severe depression. She has been home alone the last few days which made her incredibly lonely. Thursday night she started driving to the mountains and she ended up on the other side of the mountains and couldn’t turn around because of her anxiety, because she was scared to go home. I was able to get her to turn around to meet me on the other side of the pass. After that it took about 2-3ish hours to get her back to her house. She didn’t sleep at all during the night but she made it through. Last night she was even worse when I called her that night to see how she was doing, as soon as I called she burst into tears. I called because I was texting her every couple of hours to make sure she was alive. Usually she is good at answering her phone but twice yesterday she didnt respond to texts and luckily when I called her she picked up but I was about to drive over and kick down her door. I was scared shitless.
Anyway last night she was really bad and we ended up baking a cake until 2am. We tried to figure out what to do until about 3:30. I spent the night at her house and tried to wake up every hour to check on her but it only worked for the first alarm, I slept through the second and the third. We had to wake up at 7:30 to head to a parade. I am so pissed off that I slept through my other alarms but with 6 hours of sleep the night before and only 2-3 last night I was/ am exhausted, and I need lots of sleep. Luckily she made it through last night too and today. Her family will be home tonight but that doesn’t really make it certain that she wont do anything.
She currently does have a therapist but her therapist isnt helping and doesnt believe in medication but she really really needs it. She doesnt sleep at all most nights and she is in such bad shape. She also doesnt like her therapist so she isn’t willing to really open up to her. I have been trying to take her to my doctor who handles my meds for a consultation but she has been putting it off because she kept telling me she was going to ask her parents about it but she hasn’t yet and I didn’t realize how bad it was till a few nights ago.
I have been trying to figure out what the fuck im going to do over the last couple of days and oh my god its so hard. My mom and I are going to try to meet her mom for coffee tomorrow and tell her but i’m not sure how much that will help because she doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents and having them know and having them keep checking on her might send her over the edge. Her parent’s need to know though. I was so close to taking her to a hospital last night and maybe I should just take her somewhere. I think what would be really helpful right now would be to get her some serious sleeping pills so she can sleep, nighttime is the worst for her because she cant sleep because her anxiety and racing thoughts keep her awake and she is so mentally exhausted right now. God i’m so scared.
I keep trying to tell her that it will get better and that she is on the final stretch. I am going to make sure she gets help and gets better. It’s almost over. I keep telling her that I went through the same thing and it will get better and it did for me and it will get better for her, she just has to keep fighting for a little while longer, the end is in sight. I also keep telling her that I know she can’t see that right now because it was the same for me, but that I came out of it and it did get better. Maybe it’s not a good idea to talk about myself I just really don’t know. I pretty much just keep blabbing hoping I say something that will maybe keep her going for a little while longer. I am so scared.
She can’t kill herself, I don’t know what I would do with myself if she did.