Fucking hell

Sorry for the lack of posting, in a really shitty ass depressive episode and I cant handle my friend for much longer and I cant sleep and I feel like shit and I am a bit suicidal…Had to count my pills a little while ago to make sure I had enough for my trip, and I never thought about killing myself with pills till then…20 or so pills + a bottle of vodka, that would do the trick, right? But it wont happen, I dont have the balls to kill myself. My massive fear of death prevents me…and I’m just left with wanting to die and instead being stuck…searching for a release…I wish I could cut the hell out of myself right now but I cant cause im gonna be on the fucking beach next week.

I just want to scream and punch everything and cry but I cant fucking do any of that cause im so exhausted and all sorts of other shit, I dont know.

Been listening to this song for a while the last week cause it kind of talks about the way i’ve thought about killing myself, and almost did.

“Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream”

“There’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel

“I ponder of something terrifying
‘Cause this time there’s no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it’s that we’re all battling fear
Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here
Oh my,
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound”

So fucking accurate, my brain needs to shut the fuck up, I cant think. thinking is always bad.

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