I can’t write anything at all right now but im going to try to have a little stream of consciousness here.
If you couldn’t tell by my last few posts I’m in a really bad depressive episode right now with suicidal thoughts and the works. I can’t begin to really explain how awful I’m feeling right now. I honestly haven’t had suicidal thoughts this strongly (?) since I was about a junior in high school.
I had fall break for a week last week and got to go home which was good but I was still incredibly depressed. Going back to school caused mass panic and anxiety which was/is also fun. I think it may have triggered some of the suicidal thoughts as I’ve been dealing with them since Thursday.
The first couple of days in classes have been incredibly difficult and I have a shitton of work I need to do. Including an essay and a math midterm tomorrow that I really should be working on right now but I can’t focus on them at all.
Both days I have almost skipped my classes and have just sat in bed but luckily after about 30-45ish minutes of sitting in bed I have decided to go to class. So thats good. My therapist was proud of me for getting out of bed and going.
Speaking of therapist I got off the phone with her about an hour and a half ago…it was a rough phone call talking about my suicidal thoughts and how hopeless, overwhelmed, and worthless I was feeling. She right away noticed the tone in my voice. She said she could hear and feel the weight that I was feeling. Hearing that actually made me feel a tad bit better because it made me feel like someone else could understand the pain I was/am going through.
Sadly talk therapy only helps so much when I’m really down like this. I still feel like crap, depressed out of my mind, suicidal, hopeless, worthless, exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious. And I still can’t really do much of anything.
I wish something would change and fast, I don’t know how much longer I can handle all of this.
I’m sorry, i’ll try to start posting a bit more, everything is just zapped I guess. And I’m sorry for the crappy stream of consciousness post.