Trying to write

I can’t write anything at all right now but im going to try to have a little stream of consciousness here.

If you couldn’t tell by my last few posts I’m in a really bad depressive episode right now with suicidal thoughts and the works. I can’t begin to really explain how awful I’m feeling right now. I honestly haven’t had suicidal thoughts this strongly (?) since I was about a junior in high school.

I had fall break for a week last week and got to go home which was good but I was still incredibly depressed. Going back to school caused mass panic and anxiety which was/is also fun. I think it may have triggered some of the suicidal thoughts as I’ve been dealing with them since Thursday.

The first couple of days in classes have been incredibly difficult and I have a shitton of work I need to do. Including an essay and a math midterm tomorrow that I really should be working on right now but I can’t focus on them at all.

Both days I have almost skipped my classes and have just sat in bed but luckily after about 30-45ish minutes of sitting in bed I have decided to go to class. So thats good. My therapist was proud of me for getting out of bed and going.

Speaking of therapist I got off the phone with her about an hour and a half ago…it was a rough phone call talking about my suicidal thoughts and how hopeless, overwhelmed, and worthless I was feeling. She right away noticed the tone in my voice. She said she could hear and feel the weight that I was feeling. Hearing that actually made me feel a tad bit better because it made me feel like someone else could understand the pain I was/am going through.

Sadly talk therapy only helps so much when I’m really down like this. I still feel like crap, depressed out of my mind, suicidal, hopeless, worthless, exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious. And I still can’t really do much of anything.

I wish something would change and fast, I don’t know how much longer I can handle all of this.

I’m sorry, i’ll try to start posting a bit more, everything is just zapped I guess. And I’m sorry for the crappy stream of consciousness post.


3 thoughts on “Trying to write

  1. I don’t know if this will work (or if it’s even helpful), I haven’t tried it myself but I remember a friend telling me that they were going to try and think of one positive thing each day -something that they’re grateful for or something they found good about they’re day. That may give you blog inspiration? (And if not, you don’t have to apologise for expressing yourself. It’s your blog)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s