Life Update: Stupid Meds, Alcohol and Drugs, Counseling Center, Self Harm, and Hate

Warning, this post probably wont make much sense at all, i’m just gonna try to get some thoughts and feelings down on paper.

My creativity is gone, granted my writing was never very good but I can’t even pull that bullshit out of my ass, I blame the stupid meds.

I have no focus either, I can’t get anything done. I don’t know how I am but i’m constantly spending my time on my computer refreshing pages waiting for them to change while “doing” homework. I also blame the stupid meds.

I kind of want to go off said stupid meds, even though they could be helping.

Right now I’m writing this while procrastinating on homework cause I have nothing better to do.

I finally got around to going to the counseling center here at my college. I have been talking on the phone weekly with my therapist back home but it’s not quite the same. My therapist really pushed me to go down to the counseling center back when i was suicidal but yeah…I didn’t get around to it till now. I was really anxious about the intake appointment, I was so close to just getting up and leaving while I was waiting. But like usual I get myself worked up for something that isn’t a bit deal. The lady was very nice and surprisingly I was able summarize pretty much everything that has gone on. I was then assigned a therapist and have an appointment with her on Wednesday…which I am very nervous for.

As of late I have also really been doubting my diagnosis as Bipolar 2, because while I have mood swings and stuff like that, my “hypomanic” episodes have never been an issue, they’ve been great. I’ve had energy, I’ve gone out and done things. But its never been over the top or anything.

Recently I have been feeling very impulsive. I have had really strong urges to down bottles of alcohol, go to parties, and smoke pot. Most of which I have not done, I have had alcohol but thats it. So yeah…pretty unlike me.

I have also had really strong urges to cut over the last few days. I’m not quite sure why because with the exception of today I haven’t been particularly depressed. I’ve felt kind of stagnant and apathetic so maybe I’ve just been wanting to do something. Today I’m apathetic, numb, and depressed. So I might do it today. I don’t know yet.

I also feel like my friends hate me for no reason at all so thats fun too.

I’ve got some much shit coming up in school including a math exam that I have to do well on considering I failed the last one cause I was suicidal. At least I only have like 2 weeks till Thanksgiving break, and I’ll get to go home and drive.

I hope you all are well

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