I feel so guilty for feeling this way, others deserve this life more than I do, not the aspects of who I am or the life I live, just the beating heart.
Its different this time.
I have two plans, plan A and plan B. Plan A, which is much more specific, can only be done during the summer. But it is certain, I wouldn’t be able to back out of it once I had begun. It’s secure.
Plan B can be done pretty much whenever, its close, but it requires me to go against my gut instinct. I tried it years ago and got so close, but was a coward and chickened out last minute, it has its flaws. Last night I went there and tried it again. Twice. I wanted to do it so badly, this pain is excruciating and exhausting, but again, I chickened out last minute. Fuck i’m so sick of this. I sat there yelling and crying, begging for some sort of relief. Im not usually one to cry, it just doesnt happen. I didn’t even realize I was about to cry until I felt that first tear run down my cheek. I cant do it, I cant do any of it, I am stuck no matter what I do.