Trust me I really want to. I sound like a melodramatic fuck but life is so fucking painful, I get things out of my head, I obsess about everything wrong, I cant think straight, I am in a constant state of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because I am so fucking depressed. I just want my brain to shut up.
As stupid as it sounds I think if I push everyone away enough then i’ll finally be able to do it, the main reason ive stuck around is because of my friend and family, but if I remove myself from them then maybe…So that process has begun a bit.
For now I am just here, existing, wasting precious resources on this little globe of shit that we call home.
And i’m not 100% sure why I feel that way, I don’t have many specifics besides that there is such a tornado of emotions and feelings going on inside my head. I can’t focus on anything but at the same time I am focusing and obsessing about everything. I haven’t experienced anxiety this bad since about 10 years ago. I am so incredibly agitated, angry, and full of energy yet at the same time I am exhausted and depressed, if it weren’t for sleeping pills I don’t think I would be sleeping much. Not to mention the excessive paranoia. I feel like everything is hopeless and there are no solutions, besides the solution of killing myself, which is the best solution for now. Theres so much more to it at the same time I can’t explain, I am just so stuck in my head, and everything in my head is screaming. Fuck me. Maybe i’ll post again later if more words head my way, but probably not lets be honest my focus and ability to commit is non existent.
I went down to the beach today
To see the beauty of the waves and the rocks
To feel something good
And when I got there
I saw the beauty of the of the see
and the sky
Yet I felt nothing
I could not let the beauty seep into my soul
But not because I didn’t want it
I wanted this beauty
craved it so badly
a reason to live
But I couldn’t
So I let the waves beacon me
into its cold and angry embrace
for a long winters swim.
Some nights I remember
That you know my deepest darkest secret
and i’m overwhelmed by fear
The constant roar
was not from airplanes overhead
or a bustling city
But rather the collective crashing
clashing together at mismatched angles
taking power from one another
or destroying them both
the sea was angry
So it roared in despair.
I feel so guilty for feeling this way, others deserve this life more than I do, not the aspects of who I am or the life I live, just the beating heart.
Its different this time.
I have two plans, plan A and plan B. Plan A, which is much more specific, can only be done during the summer. But it is certain, I wouldn’t be able to back out of it once I had begun. It’s secure.
Plan B can be done pretty much whenever, its close, but it requires me to go against my gut instinct. I tried it years ago and got so close, but was a coward and chickened out last minute, it has its flaws. Last night I went there and tried it again. Twice. I wanted to do it so badly, this pain is excruciating and exhausting, but again, I chickened out last minute. Fuck i’m so sick of this. I sat there yelling and crying, begging for some sort of relief. Im not usually one to cry, it just doesnt happen. I didn’t even realize I was about to cry until I felt that first tear run down my cheek. I cant do it, I cant do any of it, I am stuck no matter what I do.
I know that when I wake up
It will be as if I never slept
The exhaustion will still be there
The churning of emotions stuck inside
Will all still be there
No end in sight
Sleep is merely a distraction
Killing time until we die.
So many thoughts, so many feelings, but the concept of putting them into sentences together escapes me
The trees are still
As if resting
Waiting for the next storm
Rain fills the air
But not a rain that pours
Instead, little drops that cling to the plants
The smell of the forest
Mixed with the scent of smoke
Billowing out of the chimneys
This is winter at home
The comforting gloom
Putting me at ease
I want to capture this moment
For I fear
I may not experience this sensation
reflects the chaos
in my head