Contemplating

Over the last few days I have been contemplating telling my mom about my issues and just telling her that I need help…I’ve usually been thinking about this at night as im going to bed. I am always so close to doing it, but then when I wake up in the morning I change my mind.

There has been a lot of stuff in the news about the death of Robin Williams and about depression and suicide, and there are lots of stories about depression being shared and stuff and some of the stories I could relate to a lot.

On top of that my mom shared a post on facebook with a suicide hotline number and said “Depression hurts let us help all who suffer”…idk how to react to that but agh it just kind of hit me.

I’ve just been contemplating telling her and actually getting help but I can’t do it. We have been fighting a good amount the last few months and stuff and we fought again tonight actually and we used to be such good friends…im not sure what happened I guess. agh. What happened?

And on top of that i’m pretty sure my mom thinks I do drugs now. She has asked before and a couple days ago she grabbed my winter coat and asked if I wanted to get it drycleaned and I said yes and she said “let me check the pockets, what am I going to find, drugs” and I said “god no” and looked up from my computer thinking she was joking but she was dead serious…IDK how to react. That plus she keeps said “I’m worried about you” AGH.

She leaves for a week and a half long trip tomorrow so it wont be able to tell her then so I guess that’s good.

but what if it’s all in my head…UGH. Why can’t this all just be over! I’m so sick of this. I want to have energy again, I want to feel good again, I dont want to be so fucking depressed and angry all the time. I’m just so fucking tired.

A Conversation With Depression

In my English class this week we are working on short stories using a thing called Magical Realism. If you don’t know what magical realism is it is pretty much having something out of the ordinary or magical in a story that seems like a normal occurence to all the characters in the story yet would be odd for us humans. 

Anyway one of the kids in my class is writing his short story about a guy talking to depression and anxiety. I was taken aback by this because usually I only hear about the dreaded subject of depression and anxiety online, certainly not in person from someone who I know. This kid came to our school this year and doesn’t really talk to anyone and could be considered slightly emo so it wouldn’t really suprise me if he actually had depression and anxiety. I had never thought about it though because he seems fine besides being quiet and not having a lot of friends. Wow that’s kind of stereotypical of me.

After he had explained his story I started thinking. What would it be like to have a conversation with depression and anxiety? I don’t want to steal his idea but im just gonna write a little bit of what I think the conversation would be like.
Anxiety:
“Lovely weather today right anxiety?”

“what if the sky all of a sudden broke apart and rained down”

“I guess that would be scary”

“Let’s go hang out with my friend, anxiety!”

“Why? they all hate you, your mean and weird and awkward, they pity you? Anyway you look stupid”

“oh, ok…How about we go to the grocery store?”

“What if you there is a fire and you get trapped”

Ya possibly, well i’ve really been wanting to see that new movie that just came out”

“what if there is an earthquake and you get trapped under the screen and suffocate” 

“Well i guess I should probably get home and pack for my trip”

“What if somebody puts a bomb on the plane or turbulance knocks the plane out of the sky and you die”

“Well, I guess I could just sit at home and watch TV.

“Ok, sounds good”

A conversation with Depression:

“Hey depression, how are you?”

“meh. Hey look, you’re all alone”

“ya…well I’m going to do some homework”

“What’s the point, it’s all hopeless”

“look at how gray and empty and plain everything its”

“ya…”

I probably wont be able to read the story but it would be interesting to see what he writes. I didn’t really portray depression very well because there isn’t much to say about it I guess…people who deal with it know how it feels, its hard to describe.

 

 

Why the Name?

I hope you all had a fantastic 4th of july!!! Some of you may be wondering why the name “From the tips of the Evergreens” I am not from Seattle and you will soon discover i am not a fan of Seattle. Whether it be the persistent gloom of the low clouds and constant drizzle that amounts to nothing more than .05″ of rain, or maybe its all the hipsters that ruffle my feathers, or the people who think its ok to drive 10 mph below the speed limit on the road and drive in the left lane at 55mph. For those an other reasons i am just not a fan of the Seattle area. There are few things i do like about Seattle, one of them being evergreen trees. I have been fascinated by the trees ever since the Hanukkah eve windstorm in 2006 which knocked down 11 of the giants in our yard and 3 on our house. My appreciation for the trees grew, the giants that loomed above us, quiet but alive, but at the same time could be awake and roaring during a windstorm, on the east coast there are pine trees and various leafed trees, nothing like the giant evergreens here and for some reason i love them. They are beautiful and powerful yet kind and gentle at the same time. There is something about them that is just truly amazing that i absolutely love, so i thought a catch title would be from the tips of the evergreens. So that’s pretty much why the name is what it is. Anyways another post will probably be coming later on tonight. 

Have a great day!

-M